Human Biology

The biology of humans is fairly predictable. We know that when a baby is born that it will be really small. We know that the baby will inevitably go through an awkward stage where the cranium is disproportionately larger than the rest of the body. The body soon catches up to the head and the baby is cute again. Then five years later the baby is now a child who has adult teeth coming in before their time, redistributing the existing baby teeth into every way possible. Gaps are created. Teeth slowly fall out. Smiles are less cute. Braces are inevitable. After the adult teeth are in the child is still far from being an adult. It’s almost like we should get adolescent teeth right after the baby teeth and then get our adult teeth when we turn 18, because after all, we are now able to vote. Going through three sets of teeth in a lifetime instead of two would financially boost the orthodontist stocks. Not only that, but going through another awkward mouth transformation at age 18 would decrease teen dating, and everything associated with the prom, by at least half. The high school senior portrait industry would surely take a dive bomb on Wall Street.

Humans as we know them now have a pretty predictable biology. For the most part, humans are fully grown and developed by age 20 and from then on will just slowly age. But what if human development was less predictable? What if my dad, who’s in his mid-50s, has a second growth spurt in 2007? My dad, over halfway done with his life, would experience going from being six feet tall to being six six. He would have to relearn just how tall he is, which is something that we all instinctively know, unless you consistently find yourself hitting your head on things, in which, in that case, you have absolutely no idea how tall you are. However, if growth spurts happened to all middle aged men, we would all surely benefit from the constant comedy of men banging their heads on stuff and then cussing.

What if men at the age of 75 went through a stage where the cranium outgrew the body once again? Every old person would have giant heads that their weak necks couldn’t support. What if 60 year old women started developing again…or began undeveloping? What if, when we turned 40, we physically lost the ability to craw and walk and had to relearn it? We’d then live in a world where we celebrate a 41 year old man who just learned how to roll over on his belly. What if in our 30s we realized once again that the opposite sex did in fact have cooties? What if, instead of your teeth falling out in your 80s, your teeth fell out when you where 13? You’d have to live your entire high school career without teeth, eating liquid foods, at least until your permanent adult teeth came in when you turned 18.

-DBTG