Civil War

Back in high school I always hung out with the same 8 guys. We were very close and did everything together. However, halfway through our senior year something happened. Some may call it a group argument. Others may call it a split. In reality it was a Civil War between friends. While no punches were thrown in this Civil War, it was definitely a war of words and ideals that split our group in two. While it took me weeks, I eventually took the side of my friend Bryan, who was the proverbial Abraham Lincoln figure. And I do not intend to compare my friend Bryan to Ole Honest Abe because he had incredible leadership skills, or because he went against what was popular at the time, or because he stood up for what he felt was right, or even because he often referred to us, his followers, as his 'countrymen.' That’s not the case at all. Rather, I look back and compare my friend Bryan to Abraham Lincoln because he always wore this gigantic top hat. It sat on his brow with a slight grin, daring you to question its authority. One time I snagged it off of the head of my friend Bryan and before I could get in my car Bryan clothes lined me to the pavement and...well, I learned my lesson. I loved that top hat.

Cloning

Last night I saw a new film called Children of Men, which is a science-fiction movie set in London around 2027. The premise is that no one on Earth is capable of becoming pregnant so basically the human population is dying off. Sad, I know. No one knows why and no one seems to have a solution. But if that really happened wouldn't we just clone more humans like we clone sheep? I know that we've never been able to clone humans and I don't think we should just because we can, but I think if the circumstances were the same as in the movie, the governments of the world would fully support the cloning of humans. There's no doubt that controversy would ensue about the cloning of humans, causing there to be multiple wars fought between countries. The country with the most brilliant scientists and cloning capabilities would inevitably become the world super-power...perhaps China. There is another factor that could come into play in the fight for world dominance, which is of course access to Matt Damon. Whoever can clone Matt Damon the most will definitely be the world's most dominant country in the future world. That's why I think the U.S. should go ahead and pass legislation and increase Matt Damon's security and regulate his eating habits, just in case. Either that or we stick to sheep cloning and teach the sheep how to fly our planes, drive our cars, bake our breads, and run our stock markets so there will be a world beyond our own. To me it seems like a win win. Is there anyone better to clone than Matt Damon?

Being President

I watched the annual State of the Union address last night and I decided that it would be extremely difficult to be the President. With that in mind, let’s say, hypothetically, that you miraculously were elected President. And we all know that being the President means that you have lots of power, as you are in fact the leader of the free world. There are checks in balances that keep you in line, though no one really knows what that means. Anyway, one day a bill of legislation comes across your desk to be signed into law. If signed, this bill will inexplicably instantly give lots of money to all the poor in the entire world; they would also receive great jobs, financial training, food, great schools, houses, and everything else that will help those who are impoverished to rise up out of the poverty. There would be no more homeless people in the streets, no more starving children, a lot less crime, and high quality urban schools. Basically, every aspect of everyone’s life, not just the poor, would increase. The best part about this bill is the money that it will take to fund this project inexplicably comes from nowhere. The money comes from an unknown source and does not affect the American taxpayers, which makes you and the American taxpayers very happy. However, there is a clause in the bill that upon signing the bill, all the baby kittens in the entire world will enigmatically and instantly die. There is absolutely no way around it. If you ink the bill on your desk every kitten in the world will sadly die. With this in mind, do you still sign the bill?

-DBTG

Human Biology

The biology of humans is fairly predictable. We know that when a baby is born that it will be really small. We know that the baby will inevitably go through an awkward stage where the cranium is disproportionately larger than the rest of the body. The body soon catches up to the head and the baby is cute again. Then five years later the baby is now a child who has adult teeth coming in before their time, redistributing the existing baby teeth into every way possible. Gaps are created. Teeth slowly fall out. Smiles are less cute. Braces are inevitable. After the adult teeth are in the child is still far from being an adult. It’s almost like we should get adolescent teeth right after the baby teeth and then get our adult teeth when we turn 18, because after all, we are now able to vote. Going through three sets of teeth in a lifetime instead of two would financially boost the orthodontist stocks. Not only that, but going through another awkward mouth transformation at age 18 would decrease teen dating, and everything associated with the prom, by at least half. The high school senior portrait industry would surely take a dive bomb on Wall Street.

Humans as we know them now have a pretty predictable biology. For the most part, humans are fully grown and developed by age 20 and from then on will just slowly age. But what if human development was less predictable? What if my dad, who’s in his mid-50s, has a second growth spurt in 2007? My dad, over halfway done with his life, would experience going from being six feet tall to being six six. He would have to relearn just how tall he is, which is something that we all instinctively know, unless you consistently find yourself hitting your head on things, in which, in that case, you have absolutely no idea how tall you are. However, if growth spurts happened to all middle aged men, we would all surely benefit from the constant comedy of men banging their heads on stuff and then cussing.

What if men at the age of 75 went through a stage where the cranium outgrew the body once again? Every old person would have giant heads that their weak necks couldn’t support. What if 60 year old women started developing again…or began undeveloping? What if, when we turned 40, we physically lost the ability to craw and walk and had to relearn it? We’d then live in a world where we celebrate a 41 year old man who just learned how to roll over on his belly. What if in our 30s we realized once again that the opposite sex did in fact have cooties? What if, instead of your teeth falling out in your 80s, your teeth fell out when you where 13? You’d have to live your entire high school career without teeth, eating liquid foods, at least until your permanent adult teeth came in when you turned 18.

-DBTG