I watched the annual State of the Union address last night and I decided that it would be extremely difficult to be the President. With that in mind, let’s say, hypothetically, that you miraculously were elected President. And we all know that being the President means that you have lots of power, as you are in fact the leader of the free world. There are checks in balances that keep you in line, though no one really knows what that means. Anyway, one day a bill of legislation comes across your desk to be signed into law. If signed, this bill will inexplicably instantly give lots of money to all the poor in the entire world; they would also receive great jobs, financial training, food, great schools, houses, and everything else that will help those who are impoverished to rise up out of the poverty. There would be no more homeless people in the streets, no more starving children, a lot less crime, and high quality urban schools. Basically, every aspect of everyone’s life, not just the poor, would increase. The best part about this bill is the money that it will take to fund this project inexplicably comes from nowhere. The money comes from an unknown source and does not affect the American taxpayers, which makes you and the American taxpayers very happy. However, there is a clause in the bill that upon signing the bill, all the baby kittens in the entire world will enigmatically and instantly die. There is absolutely no way around it. If you ink the bill on your desk every kitten in the world will sadly die. With this in mind, do you still sign the bill?
-DBTG
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Human Biology
The biology of humans is fairly predictable. We know that when a baby is born that it will be really small. We know that the baby will inevitably go through an awkward stage where the cranium is disproportionately larger than the rest of the body. The body soon catches up to the head and the baby is cute again. Then five years later the baby is now a child who has adult teeth coming in before their time, redistributing the existing baby teeth into every way possible. Gaps are created. Teeth slowly fall out. Smiles are less cute. Braces are inevitable. After the adult teeth are in the child is still far from being an adult. It’s almost like we should get adolescent teeth right after the baby teeth and then get our adult teeth when we turn 18, because after all, we are now able to vote. Going through three sets of teeth in a lifetime instead of two would financially boost the orthodontist stocks. Not only that, but going through another awkward mouth transformation at age 18 would decrease teen dating, and everything associated with the prom, by at least half. The high school senior portrait industry would surely take a dive bomb on Wall Street.
Humans as we know them now have a pretty predictable biology. For the most part, humans are fully grown and developed by age 20 and from then on will just slowly age. But what if human development was less predictable? What if my dad, who’s in his mid-50s, has a second growth spurt in 2007? My dad, over halfway done with his life, would experience going from being six feet tall to being six six. He would have to relearn just how tall he is, which is something that we all instinctively know, unless you consistently find yourself hitting your head on things, in which, in that case, you have absolutely no idea how tall you are. However, if growth spurts happened to all middle aged men, we would all surely benefit from the constant comedy of men banging their heads on stuff and then cussing.
What if men at the age of 75 went through a stage where the cranium outgrew the body once again? Every old person would have giant heads that their weak necks couldn’t support. What if 60 year old women started developing again…or began undeveloping? What if, when we turned 40, we physically lost the ability to craw and walk and had to relearn it? We’d then live in a world where we celebrate a 41 year old man who just learned how to roll over on his belly. What if in our 30s we realized once again that the opposite sex did in fact have cooties? What if, instead of your teeth falling out in your 80s, your teeth fell out when you where 13? You’d have to live your entire high school career without teeth, eating liquid foods, at least until your permanent adult teeth came in when you turned 18.
-DBTG
Humans as we know them now have a pretty predictable biology. For the most part, humans are fully grown and developed by age 20 and from then on will just slowly age. But what if human development was less predictable? What if my dad, who’s in his mid-50s, has a second growth spurt in 2007? My dad, over halfway done with his life, would experience going from being six feet tall to being six six. He would have to relearn just how tall he is, which is something that we all instinctively know, unless you consistently find yourself hitting your head on things, in which, in that case, you have absolutely no idea how tall you are. However, if growth spurts happened to all middle aged men, we would all surely benefit from the constant comedy of men banging their heads on stuff and then cussing.
What if men at the age of 75 went through a stage where the cranium outgrew the body once again? Every old person would have giant heads that their weak necks couldn’t support. What if 60 year old women started developing again…or began undeveloping? What if, when we turned 40, we physically lost the ability to craw and walk and had to relearn it? We’d then live in a world where we celebrate a 41 year old man who just learned how to roll over on his belly. What if in our 30s we realized once again that the opposite sex did in fact have cooties? What if, instead of your teeth falling out in your 80s, your teeth fell out when you where 13? You’d have to live your entire high school career without teeth, eating liquid foods, at least until your permanent adult teeth came in when you turned 18.
-DBTG
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